Escape from Alcatraz Triathlon
Category: Local Flavor
5 star rating
Escape from Alcatraz Triathlon
1.5-mile swim, 1-mile run, 18-mile bike, 8-mile run
This triathlon extravaganza is so hard to get into, that participating in this race makes you one of the elite. (That's what I tell myself all the time).
Here are the categories
Pro/Elite- Lightning fast you routinely win events and are trying (starving) to make a living where you need calories to race effectively. You wish your sponsor were Jelly Belly. To enter you need a shitload of $$ and a card that says you're special.
Individual Age Group
Qualifying-Ninja fast you have paid tons of cashola to enter other specific events and have placed top in your age group division. (This is where they mark your age on your ass, your arm and your calf so that others can point at you and say s/he's so old). Then to enter you need a shitload of $$ (and you think you're special).
Random drawing- Smack talker extraordinaire, you are filled with desire to flagellate yourself over a course where you have no hope of doing anything except survive. You need to be one of the fortunate few chosen to pay a shitload of $$ and aware enough notice that you were selected to register. You know you're slow but you're in it for the smack. You can't wait to cap on the dorks who signed up for "Escape from the Rock" coz they didn't get into the "real" Escape. Compared to them, you're special.
Relay
Because you can't hack the course- you can't swim, you're directionally challenged, just not good at finishing anything dammit. This is a good face saving alternative. It's not as cool among those in the know, coz we know that you wussed out. As a team you add up to something approaching special. Make sure to omit the word "relay" in order to smack impressively about your race.